Something to smile at:
17th Century Nun's Prayer
Lord thou knowest, better
than I do, that I am growing older and will some day be old.
Keep me from getting talkative, and particularly from the fatal
habit of thinking that I must say something on every subject
and on every occasion.
Release me from craving to straighten out everybody's affairs.
Make me thoughtful, but not moody; helpful but not bossy. With
my vast store of wisdom it seems a pity not to use it all, but
Thou knowest Lord, that I want a few friends at the end.
Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details; give me
wings to get to the point.
Seal my lips from my many aches and pains. They are increasing
and my love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter as the years
go by.
I ask for grace enough to listen to the tales of others' pains.
Help me to endure them with patience.
Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally it is possible
that I may be mistaken.
Keep me reasonably sweet. I do not want to be a saint. Some of
them are hard to work with; but a sour old woman is one of the
crowning works of the devil.
Help me to extract all possible fun out of life. There are so
many funny things around us and I do not want to miss any of
them.
AMEN
Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valued lessons as knowing when to come out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense live by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were put in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents: Truth and Trust; his wife: Discretion; his daughter: Responsibility; and his son: Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you still know him, pass this on. If not, you can give him a second death.
Be acutely aware of how you incorporate Common Sense, Truth, Trust, Discretion, Responsibility and Reason into the work you do.
If you're happy and you know it...
A pair of researchers said
they had worked out a simple equation to quantify happiness that
could put an exact figure on the emotional state.
After interviewing 1000 people, the researchers - a psychologist
and a self-styled "life coach" - concluded that happiness
equals P + 5E + 3H.
In the equation, P stands for Personal Characteristics (outlook
on life, adaptability and resilience); E for Existence (health,
friendships and financial stability) and H represents Higher
Order (self-esteem, expectations and ambitions).
Psychologist Carol Rothwell co-authored the report with Pete
Colen. They asked interviewees - a mix of men and women all over
18 years old - to choose five scenarios that made them more happy
or less happy from a list of 80 different situations.
They also asked a series of questions about their own natures,
outlooks and situations.
Not surprisingly, the results showed that men and women found
happiness in different ways.
Sunny weather, being with family and losing weight were more
of an influence on women's happiness, while romance, sex, hobbies
and victories by their favourite sports teams were more important
to men.
"This is the first equation that enables people to put a
figure on their emotional state", Rothwell said. "The
findings show that certain events, such as job promotion, can
impact positively on your overall happiness".
The study was commissioned by a holiday company that wanted to
understand what made people happier.
Three dogs, a Doberman, a
Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting room at the
vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The Doberman
turns to the Boxer and asks "So why are you here"?
The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything -
the sofa, the cat, the kid. But the final straw was last night,
when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed".
The Doberman says, "So what is the vet going to do"?
"Lethal injection", came the reply from the sad Boxer.
The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are
you here"?
The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up
flowers and trees. I just dig for the hell of it. When I'm inside,
I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when
I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch".
"So what are they going to do to you"? the Doberman
inquired. "Lethal injection", the dejected Labrador
said. The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's
at the vet's office for. "I'm a humper", the Doberman
says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow,
the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump - everything
I see. Yesterday my owner had just gotten out of the shower and
was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself.
I hopped on her back and started humping away". The Boxer
and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, "so, lethal
injection for you too, huh"? "No, no", the Doberman
says, "I'm here to get my nails clipped".
SYMPTOMS OF INNER PEACE
(Watch for signs of inner peace - the hearts of a great many have already been exposed to it and it seems likely that we could find our society experiencing it in epidemic proportions)
¤ Tendency to think and act spontaneously, rather than from fear based on past experiences.
¤ An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
¤ Loss of interest in judging others.
¤ Loss of interest in judging self.
¤ Loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
¤ Loss of interest in conflict.
¤ Loss of ability to worry.
¤ Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
¤ Contented feeling of connectedness with others and nature.
¤ Frequent attacks of smiling, through the eyes and from the heart.
¤ Increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.
¤ Increased susceptibility
to love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge
to extend it.
What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give
more than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give more than 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you better understand this concept:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented by:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26
then:
HARD WORK
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and,
KNOWLEDGE
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
BUT,
ATTITUDE
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
and,
BULLSHIT
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
and, look how far ass kissing will take you:
ASS KISSING
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%
So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hardwork and Knowledge
will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, Bullshit
and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!
"Here's to the crazy ones..."
In 1997, a commercial launching
Apple Computer's famous 'Think Different' campaign won the award
as the best commercial of the year in the US. Strangely enough,
it had nothing to do with computers.
In it were pictures of several famous 'lateral thinkers', including:
Albert Einstein, Bob Dylan, Martin Luther King Jr, John Lennon,
Mahatma Ghandi, among others. Here (in part) are the words spoken:
"Here's to the crazy
ones, the misfits, the rebels, the ones who see things differently...
You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing you can't do is ignore them - because they
change things!. They push the human race forward. And while some
may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people
who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the
ones who do!"
I Dare You
I Dare You to have your own convictions instead of accepting those of others.
I Dare You to stand true to them when others are going along with the crowd.
I Dare You to do your best when others are satisfied to just get by.
I Dare You to be honest when others are cheating and taking short cuts.
I Dare You to mean this is my work when you sign your name to a paper, even if you make the lowest grade in your class.
I Dare You to admit it openly and honestly when you've made a mistake, to say "I am wrong" and not to blame someone else.
I Dare You to apologise to those you've hurt even if it kills your pride to do it.
I Dare You to be forgiving to those who have wronged you, to refuse to belittle and to be petty.
If you liked this small sample of material from my smile pile, let me know. I have a considerable collection of pithy quotations, spiritual sayings and just plain humour. Every month or so, I will add more. So keep checking.
